Gutted

Gutted
Searing emotions that stab and writhe inside me
One misunderstanding that I know about
What are the others you've never shared with me?
I know it's not your job to teach me,
but it would make my blurry vision clear so much quicker
The pain is raw
Your punch is below the belt
It has me not seeing stars but re-living acidic memories
Years of my brother not talking to me
Cold shoulder given
Questions of why
Endless silence and a lack of answers
All because he was trying not to hurt me
To say anything would have made it worse
or so he thought
In the moment, perception was wrong and thus situation made worse
How many years went by before wrongs were righted?
I've lost count
I'm just grateful that things have become as the dazzling, captivating sun
blazing beauty and positive rays
to incinerate past wrongs

... For now, distance and frost
as the wind blows over this relationship
turning Summer's delights to a frozen landscape
No snow, all ice
How I long for Spring to come and melt and water
the damaged land, to repair with droplets
Each drop drenched with healing even if it be just a minute drop
like the tears from my eyes as I mourn this loss
hoping and praying for reconciliation and a better understanding

Inseparable

Inseparable

for me that is what you’ve become

My first thought upon the morn

In my waking visions, wrestling through my night’s dreams

How does the thinker separate herself from the thought?

Is independence even possible?

My heart tells me it is not

Composing this, I miss your warm embrace

to hold me without end through coldest of nights

forsaking the comfort of a pillow 

exchanging it for the strength of your arm and chest

You had the most delectable of words 

to nourish my soul and mind

Capturing me with your enchantment

like a siren of the sea

but now you’ve become mute

How ironic my muse

Remove your mouth’s fetter and speak again  

Tell me of your days and dreams in my warm company

In Search of Love

Where is he now or is it she
I search for on this quest for love
Perpetually befuddled, failure after failure
The right partner always out of sight, 
Always beyond my grasp
My patience wearies
My heart pierced by empty arrows
Each blow drawing blood
Snatching snippets of my soul
Neither riches nor intentions can be the salve to this dilemma
Painfully, I sit in sack cloth crying out,
Asking for my solution
I know it not
I know only hurt and momentary delight
False hopes and wishful dreams
The tears, they fall abounding from my heart and eyes
Red from weeping
Cliché words bring anger and melancholy
I lay down awaiting rest
Unsure of what comes next
No steps laid out, no paths before
Only the tiring wanderings of a lover yet to be

Soar

Mend my broken wing
And let me fly again
Let me soar into the sky
Rising higher and higher
Until I am above the pinnacle of the clouds
And can see the vast expanse below
And am reminded of the beauty
which has always been around me
But which has been forgotten
because I have been bound to this earth
Forgetting my calling as a bird
To fly, to be carried upon the current of the wind
To dip and rise from the jet stream's ebbing air
Embracing this carefree spirit that I was created with
Mend my broken wing
And let me fly again 

The Treasure

Call forth thy treasure
And let me put it on display
For the world to pine over
For me to savor till dawn's first ray

Others have seen your beauty prior
But scoffed their way past
But I see that which intoxicates
Feed my mind and this shall last

Nurture my soul
Be the balm to my pain and sorrows
Walk with me in delight
Until we emerge upon verdant tomorrows

Smitten

My friend Tee asked me recently,

“Do people still get smitten?”

I smirked, the question transporting me back to childhood days 

Well, Tee, I’m hear to tell you the answer is yes

First glance at him, and I was smitten

I wanted him so badly I’m sure I blushed upon my first gaze 

unable to hide the desire that swirled in my head 

Reflecting on Someone I Loved

He drank in the fumes

Savoring them like sips of aged, red wine

Dancing upon his tongue

Caressing his insides with delight

While truthfully burning them

With the tar of nicotine

Smearing it with its caustic black soot

He smirked at me knowing that I can't stand when he smokes

But my pleas to stop have fallen on deaf ears

And so, rather than argue,

I toss up my white flag

And end the verbal war between us

Life is too short

And good friends give each other space and freedoms

He fans the rings of smoke

In an attempt to playfully shoot

One more cannonball my way

This one ephemeral instead of verbal

As he temporarily breaks off our cease fire

We continue our walk

And I can see it in his eyes

The hatred from years of bullying at school

His beautiful charcoal hue

His scarlet "A"

Bound not to his chest but to his pores for life instead 

He curses at life

Trying to rationalize the world

And find solace in Deity

Years go by

He gives up

On God

On me

On himself and failed dreams

His comfort now

Ebbs up and down

In Bacardi bottles tipped back and forth

In the cups he drinks

Nevermind life and liver

Why think favorably upon them

When life has only and always dredged up 

Whatever settled upon Dante's ultimate sand barge in Hell

It is the bed he longs to rest in

Death, sweet death

I've heard him ask for it before

And for others

Who piss him off

From his gaze, seeing incompetent management and Semite greed

I've always found it curious

How two beings sculpted from the same Creator

Could look at each other 

With disgust that tip the scales equally

Personally never been able to condone this hateful judgment 

So much time has gone by

That I've lost count of the months

Stopped counting the missed opportunities for interaction

I lament that you chose to walk away

Chose to give away the intimacy 

We could have shared

And exchanged it for your solitude

We used to joke that you are 

An elderly cat lady contentedly preferring to be alone

Trapped instead in a young man's body

In a city that always comes ringing your doorbell

My mind still flits to moments with you

Like now

Like when I see anything regarding Japan

Or kittens

I wonder how you are

If your dreams were birthed into this reality

And what happened to you

But that's just it

I am left to wonder 

By myself

Like now

Forever wondering

About somebody that I used to know

And call a friend